.....You know what i hate, Paperwork.....and nosey ppl. Sad thing is, the army being the nosey group they are, found the not-fully-paid hospital bill...and everything went down hill from there.

Why were u at the hopital? Why isn't your bill paid? Why didn't u tell us sooner? Did u tell ur recruiter? Why didn't he know? Why didn't you have the paper work for this? And blah blah blah X: AUGH!!!

So after finding that little tidbit and putting me through paperwork-backup and playing 20 questions I was disqualified(temporarily can't leave) until I had a check up from an othropedic surgeon of their choosing....So I was driven there after 3 hours of waiting, waited another 30mins in the office before they checked me out and took an x-ray. And guess what?! I have a 10' scoliosis in my limbar(lowerback) spine. And the best part is...that it still enables me "to participate in all activities." WTF!? And after another night in the hotel again while my other companions were flown to BCT, the next morning the doctor tells me that the other doctor who sent me for "counseling";as they call it; told me to also get the paper work from Johnson Memorial where I was treated and the chiropractor that took my x-ray BEFORE i was sent for another one by them....NO ONE TOLD ME THIS!!!! The first doc just said go get checked out and come back with the results to see if i was a "GO" or "NO GO"....I was a "GO"...but now i can't leave without those papers!!!!

So....here's how far this goes back....I was interning to be a Pharmacy Technician and interned as a technician-in-training at a Walgreens Pharmacy and was standing about 7 hours every morning from 8am til 2:30pm. And later in the afternoon i worked at Victoria's Secret from 4:30pm til 11pm/12am as a cashier.....IN HEELS!! So not only is this stressful, heels of any height after this much standing is a strain on the back....And before anyone says anything, I wore sneakers in the pharmacy, but victory secret doesnt allow that and everything has to be black; and the only black shoes i owned had either a 1/2-inch or 1-inch heels....Yea, you can guess what this got me.

When the pain became noticable, I pulled a macho-act and of course the pain got worse. I couldn't stand long, i became nauseous easily, my head always hurt and before i knew it, BAM! I couldn't walk at all without pain from anything below the waist and lower back. SO when i told my mom; FINALLY; she tried to give me a massage(she's got a cosmotology licesnse and going for her massage license) and as soon as she touched my back i brokedown and cried! And all she did was touch my lower back to find where it hurt; AND SHE WASN'T EVEN TOUCHING HARD!!!

So she took me to the emergency room and after much strained walking and movement and a 1/2 hour wait a doctor finally saw me and given a wheelchair so i didn't hurt myself w/ any unnessecary walking...sitting was only less painful than walking; doesn't mean it didn't hurt! I was placed in a room and given blankets to keep me warm while i laid on my stomatch, which gave me no pain....unless i tried to roll to my side even slightly. Amazingly enough, my younger brother actually made me laugh even though it hurt to do that too, it was nice to focus on something else for a while...

Once a nurse came in and checked me out(pee sample was needed; in case this happedned because of a drug-induced injury) and my mom and bro went and ran home to bring me food....The doctor gave me a diagnosis that it was probably lower back muscle strain...So instead of 1cc she gave me 2cc of MOTRIN..IN MY ASS!!! MG: ..yea....it was numb withing 15 mins and allowed me to move around and leave. Oh, and I was also given a prescription for 2 weeks worth of muscle-relaxants and Percocet(controlled pain-killers).....yea....On my first day of taking them I lost 36 hours of my life just sleeping....I was only awake long enough(every 4-5 hours) to get up and take more pills and it would knowck me outs again........After that it just mellowed me out and kept the pain away; lots of rest and less standing helped too....

And just last month i busted my tail-bone by landing on the couch arm rest ass first. The nice cracking sound was a nice bonus So i couldn't sit for days, and the next weekend I had to go to Physical Training for the Guard. I could sit while leaning forward just 2 days before Saturday Training; but sit-ups weren't happening AT ALL. So I called my recruited so he knew and didn't push too hard.....Yea...worst weekend of my life.....No sit ups..I barely could do a dozen push-ups when before i did 21....I ran a mile in 11mins05secs....but I couldn't finish my 2nd mile before I finally cried from the pain the strain was causing!....and then we had our 6 mile march carrying 20-25lbs. on the beach....I didn't even making it 1 mile before i feel so far behind. And even when the sergents asked me if i was fine i kept telling them i could still march just so i could prove I wasn't a failure or a quitter...In the end the took me aside and the medical van(just a regular van w/ a bunch of medical suppies and IVs in the back)....I actally collapsed right outside the van....

I have never been so ashamed since my first P.T. with the Guard 2 months ago.....I was weak, a invalid and a failure.....I just felt like i let down not only myself, but my recruiter; who had faith in me. My Uncle; who is a 20 yr Army Vet. My Godfather; who i haven't seen, heard, or talked to since i was 4 yrs old; a Marine who later went on to work for the Pentagon. And finally My mother; who put the belief that i would excell and become a fully recognised soilder going to school and helping to pay the bills to keep our home....

As if all this wasn't enough stress.....Then I had one week to say good buy to all my family members that i could on my dad's side up in Northern Florida, My mom's side and all my friends in Southern Florida.....And thinking that I wouldn't see them for almost 6 months, I tried to look strong in front of them. SHOW NO FEAR. Demonstrating that I was ready for training.....Only to have these doctors slam in my face that I won't ship out like i was supposed to. Now I sent them a fax of all the FUCKING paperwork they wanted. And after they review it, they'll see how serious the problem is. And if they label me a "NO GO".....I'll....I'll be discharged...for good....a humiliating embarassment to everyone....I won't ever be able to hold my head up high......Everything is riding on those tiny slips of paper and those doctors....My dreams of being a soilder will crash and burn worse than the World Trade Center....

So i can draw!?!?...so what if i work to be a pharmacist!?!? Ever since I was just a child, looking up at the few minutes i saw of my ever-working busy, et kind Marine Godfather....Since watching the honor and courage of actors playing soilders....the history made by great military men and later women who fought against our enemies.....I...wanted to be just like them....to show my honor, my strength and my courage...To make all whop knew me proud that i was alive for a better reason than just a mediocre self-taught artist!!.....I...I don't know what I'll do....if they tell me 'no'....I....really don't think....My heart can take this kind of dissapointment.....I would give anything to be like them....I forgo my drawing-skills and never squiggle so much as a stick figure for the rest of my life....if it meant being allowed to do this....

Even as i write this...the shame and self-hatred I have for myself and my pathetic weakness....I'm crying...I admit it....I can't hold in all this anguish....Now the only thing left is to think and wait...wondering.....Was this a good idea? Was I really military material? Will I be rejected? Was everything I did....nothing but an ego booster for everyother soilder i trained with? Is my trying to join...nothing but a mockery for all they stand for?....And....am i worthy? ....Am i worth the effort to them to get me in?.....Probably not....

Now...I have returned home....angry...depressed...downtrodden...and broken.....I'm writing this now...Because to all my close friends who I departed from....the last goodbyes and hugs....I can't face you....At first i could....now hours later....I'm nothing but a humiliation to your vision....My presence alone would be a disrespect to your lives.....For what it was worth....I thank you for supporting the decision I made.....Even if....Even if, I managed to fail at the one thing.....that has truely mattered so much to me; to do for myself in so long....I end this journal, so I may rest.....And hopefully...release enough self-loathing to actually appear as normal as i used to....

....Happy Welcoming Back, Reject....


~OSWAI~